My name is Ellen, and I am called to full-time ministry to women. And, I am INSECURE. I do NOT have it all together.
There – I said it. They say the first step in overcoming is to admit your problem. ;) So there you have it!
Some recent ministry experiences led me to take a hard look at why and how the enemy gets in to my thought processes. I no longer become paralyzed by insecurity, but it plagues me in more subtle ways these days. It’s a no-brainer that Satan wants to distract me. No, he wants to DERAIL me. I am aware of that and the need to keep my armor on in order to not give him any victory. Ephesians 6:13!
But still, the nasty thoughts pop in to my head that say “you are not doing a good job”, or “nobody cares if you do this or not – you could quit today and it wouldn’t matter”, or “who do you think you are to offer counsel to another when you have your own pile of issues”, or “what am I doing all this for anyway”, or “what if none of this even matters for eternity” (I know better than to believe that, and yet I hear that little voice sometimes anyway!). I have been around long enough to now that to let these thoughts take root in me is to head for a huge fall. The more I walk with Him, the more quickly I catch this process before it goes that far!
This happens especially when I have had an experience that involves an idea that obviously and clearly came from God. There have been many times in this ministry that I KNOW I have been given clear direction and vision. You know what I mean - when the concept is so clear that you know you could not have made it up because you are not that smart! But then later, as the insecurity creeps in, those nasty thoughts start popping up. “Nobody believes that idea really did come from God”, or “everyone will just think you are wanting all the credit”, or “they won’t like my idea – what am I thinking suggesting that!?”. On and on it goes.
What the Lord has shown me lately is that to be insecure means I lack confidence in myself, I second guess myself, and I even disqualify myself from my calling. Sometimes, I even get disgusted with myself for my perceived failures, weaknesses, and even for being insecure in the first place!!
Do you hear the word SELF a little too much in the above sentences?? That should tell me something. It occurs to me, too, that to be frustrated or even disgusted with myself means that I am depending on mySELF!! I am not relying on the power of the Holy Spirit Who lives in me! There it is: the bottom line.
Down on yourself? Then you are depending on yourself, not God.
So, what is the antidote to insecurity like this? Choose to put all my faith, trust, and hope in Christ and the promise that through Him (and ONLY through Him), I can do all things! Phil. 4:13!
It is true - on my own I can't succeed, I can't get clear direction and vision, I can't do anything but fail. But with the power of the Holy Spirit - now that is a whole different story! On my own, yes I am completely insecure.
But I am NOT ON MY OWN!! I belong to Christ, and HE is my security!
I am secure IN HIM. I can trust Him, believe Him, put my faith and hope in Him, and He will never fail me. If I am truly surrendered to the Lord, and have a clear understanding that it is the Holy Spirit in me that makes any difference at all anyway….and that my eternity is SECURE, then there is no place for insecurity.
Insecurity is just……….PRIDE. Ouch.
Proverbs 16:18: Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.